the past few weeks have seemed to be trying times. i found out about a very dear friend's unexpected passing that has felt like a ton of bricks was dropped on me. i still struggle knowing that they aren't here, that it wasn't their time to go and i feel like something happened along the way. i know he wouldn't have wanted me this upset - but inside, i hurt. i hurt because he was a good person, because he meant well, because i should've been a better friend. my friend - i am so so sorry for everything - for the things that you went through, for what life handed to you because you didn't deserve it, because you never got to live your dreams. i think of you often, i pray for you and talk to you.
and now my dog... i don't know what i'll do if we really have to put her down. please god, jesus, st anthony anyone please don't take my dog now. all i can keep thinking is life is so, so unfair..
just when things were looking up.. when i got my hours and my pay back... when i'm starting to have a good social life filled with friends and laughter... i don't know how the heck things like this happen. i am so, so sad. i can't imagine having to go through a lifetime of this - of losing people - friends, family, pets, neighbors - how do you do it?
these tears just keep leaking from my eyes - at work i'm crying silently wondering how to get over it... it's not even getting over it's learning to live with it, without it... my life will never be the same - my life was different because you came into it.
oh my god grandpa i still miss you. i still can't believe you are gone. i know god needed you back but my heart still weeps for you. and without you... grandma is forgetting my name, my age, where i live... are you barbara's daughter? yes.. i'm your granddaughter, i'm 24 years old, i live and work in san francisco. i drive a gold car, don't remember you've seen it?
i know you're supposed to look back on the better times but damnit all they do is make me cry because i realize that they aren't here anymore. it doesn't make the pain more tolerable; it doesn't make it hurt any less. it makes me angry, it makes me upset. i want to get in bed and cry, cry because they aren't here and i can't talk to them, feel them, touch them, acknowledge them anymore.
and what happens when you die? is that it? what about this voice inside my head that never turns off is that gone?
oh god. how do you deal...