Some days I feel more sick in the head than others. It's strange - there are days when I'm fine, and then there are the days when all I want to do is cry. I still have such a difficult time beliving and acknowledging that my grandpa isn't here anymore. I still cry when I go to see him - but I've brought him flowers, and I put up a photo of myself and put a card there with him so he knows that I've been to see him. And when I pass by him on bart every morning and evening I say hello to him. It's hard knowing that I can't pick up the phone and call him to tell him things, I think that's the part that I miss the most.
I got a promotion at work - I'm an executive assistant now. Will do wonders for my resume in the future and I like not being a receptionist anymore. And I somehow rock the two desks that I've been assigned to. Hopefully for not much longer though. A coworker brought me a box of candy because I helped him set up a meeting with my boss. Was surprising - I almost cried that someone was that nice to me just because. His kids are lucky they have an amazing dad.
Dave has mentioned that he wants to pick up and move to Italy in 3 years for 6 months-1 year. This is really bothering me - quite frankly because I have so many mixed feelings on it. My first thoughts are of my family and of Frankie and Ollie - could I really go away for an entire year and not see them? I can't - I won't give up my beloved pets - they are my family too. And to go away for a year... I'd probably need at least $50,000. I'd pay my parents a few thousand for taking care of my babies... but.. I donno. It's the experience of a lifetime, but at the same time - do I want to give up everything that I have here and am working for? I was really hoping in three or four years to be getting ready to be married and start to have our own lives... it brings tears to my eyes to think that again it will be delayed. Thoughts of flowers and pretty white dresses and dances are fleeing and all I can do is reach out and watch myself fail. I don't want him to look back and be upset - I want Dave to be happy and have no regrets because ultimately we only have one life and one chance to do everything that we want to do. So I'm torn - and I have three years to let it pick me apart.
Hopefully gonna get my next tattoo soon - it will be flowers for my grandpa.
I can't believe Amy is going to have a baby..
I'm just such a mess of emotions. I just want to cry and not get out of bed.
All I ever wanted was my happy ending ..