Laura (laura_boo) wrote,

6:30am ramblings - the morning after

When I first heard I didn't know what I was going to do. How will I possibly get by from now on without grandpa around? Despite the fact that the past two years have not been easy for him - and he wasn't himself, the thought of not being able to see him was overwhelming.

I cried. And sobbed. And cried some more. On Mary. Ingrid. Selenne. And Dave. Oh, poor Dave when he ran up the hill to be with me. I had gathered it all together, and I walked outside and thats when it hit me like a slap in the face - this was it. This is it. For the past two years I have watched him deteriorate - watched the person that I used to know become someone who he wasn't. There were nights when I'd lie awake and cry, thinking dear God please this is no life for them. And then it finally happens - in a minute your life changes.

Made it home, tried to feed poor Abby but she didn't want to eat. Dave and I went and got food - had a drink for grandpa. Cried minimally at dinner, and when I got home with my parents we all just hugged.

Mom came in my room after and cried, but I told her that he wouldn't want us to be sad. That would be the last thing that grandpa would have ever wanted - all he cared about was us - and that he would be so upset to see us like this. But mom said no Laura, I think he's sad that he's not with us anymore. I can understand that - and accept that - but grandpa is now always with us.

I went to bed, lay awake and talked to him. And for some reason I feel okay now (even if its just for the time being) I'm alright. He's not suffering anymore - He can walk, garden again, get out of bed, eat and talk. It's okay because he's okay. He's finally at peace with God, and I know St. Peter welcomed him with open arms to those big pearly gates he always knew would be waiting for him.

Grandpa --- I'm okay. I'm still sad that you won't be here anymore, but I know that the past two years have been nothing of a life for you - you deserve better. Of all the things that you have done in your life, you coming to America and not knowing anyone or anything and surviving, making your own life and succeeding has shown me not to be scared. And in my darkest hour, now that you aren't here anymore, I'm not scared because I know that you wouldn't have wanted me to be that way. You've shown me how not to be scared. I'll watch over grandma because I know that's what was on your mind. I know you're with me now, and always, please don't be afraid to talk to me because now I know you can. I love you and I wish that I had more than 23 amazing years to spend with you. Per favore, parli con mi pronto - non ho paura ma io voglio che tu parli.

Ti amo sempre,

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