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[19 Nov 2009|07:54pm] |
I am so upset at the moment because I feel like j had a breakthrough and it's not the good kind after bringing up to my mom about the past weekends events and how my sister made us leave so fast I'm so upset because I've realized that for the past 25 years I've been playing by everyone elses rules never taking into consideration my own feelings and wants but instead putting everyone first I feel a bit like I'm losing myself in the crowd. Sure I may be the older kid but that doesn't mean you get noticed. Instead you are the straight arrow, the one who doesn't fight back but instead bends in the wind and contorts herself into the things that everyone would like her to be. She brings home good grades, rarely disobeys and stays close to home instead of being disorderly and disrespectful. I'm not the pretty one, most popular or the boys first pick; instead it's the other way around. always early never late fully dependable and willing to do just about anything to help someone else out, sometimes getting trampled and worn out in the process.
For once... Just once... I want my time to shine. I want it to be about me, for people to ackowledge me for who i am and not for everything they would like me to be because in all of this I am not only losing myself but not being able to figure out exactly who I am.
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[04 Oct 2009|09:36pm] |
grief and sadness come at you in various ways when you are least expecting it. its triggered by a memory, a photo, a smell, or a taste of something familiar and yet at the same time you are losing it.
i hadn't cried in awhile. i thought i was getting better but today was so hard. perhaps it was because your birthday was last week, grandma's is this week and your anniversary is on the 14th. i blew up a photo of us, me playing with you. the date is april of 1988 - must've been easter because you were wearing your nice clothes. i brought it out and showed it to you and i cried, echoing off the wall of cold marble, pressing my hands to the script of your name and your flowers and just realized that you won't see me get married. you won't meet my children. you won't be there to celebrate with me, to cry when i'm sad and to be proud of me. i was lucky - i got to see you right before it all happened.
it comes at you when you least expect it - and almost when you expect it most. opening and shutting the front gate and the absense of barking. turning the key and no dog bounding at me. opening the garage door and walking in, no familiar yipping and no two ears in the rearview mirror of my mom's car. my furry friend, i miss you. but i realize that you were sick and i got to say my goodbyes to you.
whenever i sign online and its around 11AM my time i'm waiting for that instant message. the familiar face, asking me how i'm doing. being able to cry to a stranger who has no idea what i'm talking about but at the same time understanding me. a text message when i haven't been online in a few days and a christmas and birthday card in the mail for me. its realizing that you never got your chance. you never got to live. i never got my goodbye. i miss, you friend. i hope you find peace now.
i'm going to NYC in a week. have to make it 5 more days.. sigh.
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[08 Jul 2009|02:57pm] |
is so fucking unfair.
the past few weeks have seemed to be trying times. i found out about a very dear friend's unexpected passing that has felt like a ton of bricks was dropped on me. i still struggle knowing that they aren't here, that it wasn't their time to go and i feel like something happened along the way. i know he wouldn't have wanted me this upset - but inside, i hurt. i hurt because he was a good person, because he meant well, because i should've been a better friend. my friend - i am so so sorry for everything - for the things that you went through, for what life handed to you because you didn't deserve it, because you never got to live your dreams. i think of you often, i pray for you and talk to you.
and now my dog... i don't know what i'll do if we really have to put her down. please god, jesus, st anthony anyone please don't take my dog now. all i can keep thinking is life is so, so unfair..
just when things were looking up.. when i got my hours and my pay back... when i'm starting to have a good social life filled with friends and laughter... i don't know how the heck things like this happen. i am so, so sad. i can't imagine having to go through a lifetime of this - of losing people - friends, family, pets, neighbors - how do you do it?
these tears just keep leaking from my eyes - at work i'm crying silently wondering how to get over it... it's not even getting over it's learning to live with it, without it... my life will never be the same - my life was different because you came into it.
oh my god grandpa i still miss you. i still can't believe you are gone. i know god needed you back but my heart still weeps for you. and without you... grandma is forgetting my name, my age, where i live... are you barbara's daughter? yes.. i'm your granddaughter, i'm 24 years old, i live and work in san francisco. i drive a gold car, don't remember you've seen it?
i know you're supposed to look back on the better times but damnit all they do is make me cry because i realize that they aren't here anymore. it doesn't make the pain more tolerable; it doesn't make it hurt any less. it makes me angry, it makes me upset. i want to get in bed and cry, cry because they aren't here and i can't talk to them, feel them, touch them, acknowledge them anymore.
and what happens when you die? is that it? what about this voice inside my head that never turns off is that gone?
oh god. how do you deal...
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[14 Dec 2008|09:55am] |
dear grandpa,
i can't believe that today makes it one year that you've been gone, that one year ago today i got mom's call about you passing away. my life changed so much on that day and in the few days to follow it. i'm sitting here in my own apartment remembering you - and i know that you would've loved this place almost as much as i do. i know that you would've loved to see my camera and all the photos that i take with it since you always loved to take photos as well. you'd also prolly be surprised to know that i attempt to cook - but i come nowhere as near as the amazing meals that you once used to do. i miss wednesday night dinners at your house - and i'm so, so sorry when i complained about chicken for dinner. i miss you in the kitchen, with your pasta sauces, pasties with our initials on them out of dough, and how happy you were to put this all on the table for us. family gatherings aren't the same without you - i miss your laugh and your presence at the table, you in your sunday best with your pocket watch and how you would always make sure that grandma was situated before you began. i miss your accent, your goofy jokes and your way of irritating grandma just to make us laugh. church and christmas has never been the same, and i doubt it ever will be.
i'm so sorry if ever made you mad, or if you ever doubted that i loved and appreciated everything that you did for us. i wish that i had asked you more things and had you write them down. i'll never ever forget where i came from and who i am, but most importantly i'll never forget you or where you came from.
i love you always, think of you every day, and miss you so much.
laura nicole.
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| meme |
[08 Dec 2008|06:02pm] |
Make bold the things you have done.
Italic all the things you WISH you had done or would like to do.
Then steal and copy to your LJ.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted by your mother.
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a cheque
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day
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[09 Jun 2008|09:06pm] |
June 9, 2008. I'm at such a loss for words and emotions. I think shock is more like it... I haven't really broken down and cried yet. My neighbor, who has known me since birth passed suddenly today and I'm just... at a loss for words. I remember as a kid going over their house for popycock and tv, trying to play with Shasta but she didn't want to, going to the park and walking Shasta, and then dinners - we always loved chinese together. Holidays and birthdays were made more entertaining, especially when he and grandpa got together, shouting and pounding fists and laughing over politics and religion at the dessert table. He loved Sally so much - when she died I thought he'd go with her. They came to my religious events, graduations, birthday parties, and still sent presents even though I'm in my 20's. And when grandpa died... I had never seen him cry like that before.
And today, he's gone. It's hard to think that two doors down half of a major part of my childhood is now gone. He was one of those faces who has been with me for so long that today it just hurts - and I know it will hurt for awhile. It brought the pain of grandpa back - what it was like to get that call, the word dead resonating in my mind while all I can think about is how final it is.
I'm going to write down some childhood memories and hopefully gather enough guts to bring it over to the house in the next few days once things have calmed down a bit.
When mom told me I instantly had a picture flash in my mind - my grandpa and he sitting down at the dessert table, dirty dishes and coffee mugs abound, Shasta at their feet and they were smiling and laughing, just like the old times.
Just like the old times.
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[20 May 2008|07:15pm] |
May 20. Nothing special. Just can't believe how fast this year is going. My life consists of work. Sleep. Bills. And perhaps not else. trying to stay afloat in this crazy world and not get pulled under.
My grandpa has been gone for almost 6 months and it still hurts like it did the day that he died. My memorial tattoo for him is finished. I sat through it for more than a hour and didn't cry until it was all done. I go see him once a month and talk/think of him all the time. If I concentrate hard enough I can still hear him talking. I just get choked up when it comes to me thinking ahead of the future and not knowing that he's gonna be there for me.
Work = stress. But I've been bonding more with coworkers and have been hanging out with them on some Fridays. It usually involves drinking and then us female coworkers dancing while the guys sit and drink more. I really like my coworkers, I just have to get over myself and needing to be liked by everyone. We'll see how that goes, though.
I really should write more, but perhaps I'm scared of what is going to come out...
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[28 Jan 2008|09:44pm] |
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Some days I feel more sick in the head than others. It's strange - there are days when I'm fine, and then there are the days when all I want to do is cry. I still have such a difficult time beliving and acknowledging that my grandpa isn't here anymore. I still cry when I go to see him - but I've brought him flowers, and I put up a photo of myself and put a card there with him so he knows that I've been to see him. And when I pass by him on bart every morning and evening I say hello to him. It's hard knowing that I can't pick up the phone and call him to tell him things, I think that's the part that I miss the most.
I got a promotion at work - I'm an executive assistant now. Will do wonders for my resume in the future and I like not being a receptionist anymore. And I somehow rock the two desks that I've been assigned to. Hopefully for not much longer though. A coworker brought me a box of candy because I helped him set up a meeting with my boss. Was surprising - I almost cried that someone was that nice to me just because. His kids are lucky they have an amazing dad.
Dave has mentioned that he wants to pick up and move to Italy in 3 years for 6 months-1 year. This is really bothering me - quite frankly because I have so many mixed feelings on it. My first thoughts are of my family and of Frankie and Ollie - could I really go away for an entire year and not see them? I can't - I won't give up my beloved pets - they are my family too. And to go away for a year... I'd probably need at least $50,000. I'd pay my parents a few thousand for taking care of my babies... but.. I donno. It's the experience of a lifetime, but at the same time - do I want to give up everything that I have here and am working for? I was really hoping in three or four years to be getting ready to be married and start to have our own lives... it brings tears to my eyes to think that again it will be delayed. Thoughts of flowers and pretty white dresses and dances are fleeing and all I can do is reach out and watch myself fail. I don't want him to look back and be upset - I want Dave to be happy and have no regrets because ultimately we only have one life and one chance to do everything that we want to do. So I'm torn - and I have three years to let it pick me apart. Hopefully gonna get my next tattoo soon - it will be flowers for my grandpa.
I can't believe Amy is going to have a baby.. I'm just such a mess of emotions. I just want to cry and not get out of bed.
All I ever wanted was my happy ending ..
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[23 Dec 2007|09:07pm] |
Dear Grandpa,
I can't believe its already been more than a week since you left us. I get better everyday, although your funeral was so hard. You looked so good - you couldn't have even told that you had been sick, and it almost looked as if you were smiling. Mom was so upset that day, and to be honest I was just glad that it is over. I hope you liked what I read for you in church, I meant every word.
I saw grandma today, she is not happy. Please talk to her - let her know that you're okay and with her - she's so lost without you. It makes me hurt so much to hear her say about how she wants to die; I don't know if I can handle losing someone else so soon. Please let her find some peace and not be upset and lost. I know that she depended upon you for everything, but please let her see that you are better off now. Please let her remember what I told her.
Sometimes I feel almost okay with the fact that you are gone now, but more than anything, I'm so sad that I never got to really say goodbye to you. I went and saw you today - you have a gorgeous place in the sun, and with mom's irises that she brought you you look grand. I'm going to bring some photos and a flower for you so you'll always have me with you, even on the outside.
Please watch over us - mom is so desperately wanting to hear that you're okay now - please let her know. I have your pendant on almost all the time - its a reminder that you are still here in my heart.
Let me get better, because sometimes its too overwhelming and I don't know what to think.
Love and Merry early Christmas,
your grandaughter,
Laura
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| 6:30am ramblings - the morning after |
[15 Dec 2007|06:27am] |
When I first heard I didn't know what I was going to do. How will I possibly get by from now on without grandpa around? Despite the fact that the past two years have not been easy for him - and he wasn't himself, the thought of not being able to see him was overwhelming.
I cried. And sobbed. And cried some more. On Mary. Ingrid. Selenne. And Dave. Oh, poor Dave when he ran up the hill to be with me. I had gathered it all together, and I walked outside and thats when it hit me like a slap in the face - this was it. This is it. For the past two years I have watched him deteriorate - watched the person that I used to know become someone who he wasn't. There were nights when I'd lie awake and cry, thinking dear God please this is no life for them. And then it finally happens - in a minute your life changes.
Made it home, tried to feed poor Abby but she didn't want to eat. Dave and I went and got food - had a drink for grandpa. Cried minimally at dinner, and when I got home with my parents we all just hugged.
Mom came in my room after and cried, but I told her that he wouldn't want us to be sad. That would be the last thing that grandpa would have ever wanted - all he cared about was us - and that he would be so upset to see us like this. But mom said no Laura, I think he's sad that he's not with us anymore. I can understand that - and accept that - but grandpa is now always with us.
I went to bed, lay awake and talked to him. And for some reason I feel okay now (even if its just for the time being) I'm alright. He's not suffering anymore - He can walk, garden again, get out of bed, eat and talk. It's okay because he's okay. He's finally at peace with God, and I know St. Peter welcomed him with open arms to those big pearly gates he always knew would be waiting for him.
Grandpa --- I'm okay. I'm still sad that you won't be here anymore, but I know that the past two years have been nothing of a life for you - you deserve better. Of all the things that you have done in your life, you coming to America and not knowing anyone or anything and surviving, making your own life and succeeding has shown me not to be scared. And in my darkest hour, now that you aren't here anymore, I'm not scared because I know that you wouldn't have wanted me to be that way. You've shown me how not to be scared. I'll watch over grandma because I know that's what was on your mind. I know you're with me now, and always, please don't be afraid to talk to me because now I know you can. I love you and I wish that I had more than 23 amazing years to spend with you. Per favore, parli con mi pronto - non ho paura ma io voglio che tu parli.
Ti amo sempre,
Laura
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[04 Nov 2007|08:58pm] |
you know for once i seemingly have a lot to say. just came off a great weekend with dave. spend fri night doing errands/relaxing/alone time with myself. spent yesterday afternoon with mom, then over to dave's. had a fabulous dinner with dave and his dad and i opened up to him for the first real time. dave and i watched a movie, then this morning we grabbed a bagel, watched football, and mom and dad cooked us a big steak dinner.
i'm trying to work up the nerve to write a letter to my "best friend". ever since her wedding, i haven't heard from her. i've sent her text messages, left her voicemails, and her HUSBAND has called me. but i haven't heard anything. they've been back since.. i think sept 29? something like that. anyway, i'm so hurt. i just don't know what i've done that has warranted her to totally ignore me. before, i understood - being busy with the wedding and the likes. but now? i don't know.
can't wait for next weekend. i need this 3 days like no other.
hm, guess it wasn't a lot to say after all. ciao.
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[01 Oct 2007|09:50pm] |
hmm. life is busy. work. sleep. eat. not much else. weekends are the best because thats when i get to spend time with dave.
almost paid off all of my credit cards- i'm very excited. and our 5 year anniversary is on october 25th. not much else to say, other than things are good.
leah, thank you for your im - i miss you too. <3
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[05 Sep 2007|09:23pm] |
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Things have been... interesting. To say the least. Got myself a full-time job. I work at an architectural design company as an admin assistant. I really like it, except for the fact that I have to get up at 6:45 every day, but other than that its good. The people are really nice, although the two head CEO type persons are really intimidating. I guess that's how bosses are supposed to be though.
I find myself lonely at night, or when I get home from work. More than anything I still miss having dave so close to me. I miss him so much, this 40 minute thing really blows. Wish I'd win the lotto so we could move and be closer already.
My mom was informed yesterday that as of December 1 she will probably not have a job. As if things could get any worse for her. My grandparents house is being put on the sale market Saturday. She can't even stand to go back there anymore, I don't blame her. She needs a break, she's starting to wear down. She says that she feels like she's aged in 10 years. And my father, who is even giving up a big motocycle trip to help mom deal instead. I hope my bastard uncle gets whats coming to him. Karma is a bitch sir, and god help you when it slaps you in the face. I'm going to laugh so, so hard.
More than anything, I wish I could take away all the pain. My mom has suffered so much in the past two years (even though its felt like 10). I don't know how much more she can take. Its selfish and disgusting but I just wish it would happen and then we would be able to hopefully heal and move on. Never forget, but simply learn to live again and move on.
Dear god, where are you now?
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[21 Aug 2007|10:45pm] |
I can't believe that a week has already gone by since Dave and I got back from Europe. Already Europe feels so long ago. I miss the pastry shops, the tourists, the different cities and not having a daily plan but just going. For a week I've sent out countless resumes and cover letters, faxes, phone calls, and have gone to 5 interviews. I've been offered one job, but its not something that I would like to do so I think I may pass. Tomorrow I find out if I will be offered another, and will hopefully hear back from someone else wanting to set up another interview. I never thought that finding a job would be this hard. I have a degree, I just wish someone would be willing to take a chance on me and let me show them what I know and the potential that I have. Just once, I wish someone would choose me.
Birthday number 23 is coming up. Eh, no big deal. I asked for a pedicure and I can't wait to get that. Still have to figure out where to eat that day, I'm at a loss. Plus this weekend is Amy's bridal shower. God, I can't believe they are getting married... in a month. Holy crap. We are growing up.
I am kinda lonely. I miss having Dave around me, waking up with him in the morning, our breakfast routines and then after a long day getting to curl up with him. I miss my companion, I miss my best friend.
Tomorrow is another day... I hope it brings happy news.
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[15 Aug 2007|09:52pm] |
back home after six glorious weeks. i'm tired and jetlagged, missing our morning bakery runs and dave next to me at night. i am glad to be back home with my family and babies though.
and now the job hunt starts. really sucks.
i'm tired. so if anyone wants to talk, feel free to text. i might not respond right away because i might've passed out. but i love you all. <3
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[09 Jul 2007|09:40am] |
hello. it's currently 9:40am on Monday morning and I am at an internet cafe in London. So far the trip has been fabulous - we've spent some time with Dave's family and also a lot of time exploring London, and then sleeping. the jet lag really hit us hard and we've just gotten into a somewhat normal sleep pattern (despite the fact that i passed out at 8 last night). later this afternoon we are taking the chunnel to Paris (!!!) and i'm very excited since i haven't been to France before. just a sidenote - the keyboards over here are very different and weird, the keys are all mixed up and there is no shift key on the left side of the keyboard at home so i keep freakin out over that.
anyway, i've been able to check my email every few days at various internet cafes, so if anyone would like to email us you can send it to lnforner@gmail.com (that will be the new email addy since i don't know when the cruzmail one will die).
alrighty, gotta go check out of the hotel soon and try not to spend any more money here because the money exchange rate sucks ass. <3
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[26 Jun 2007|05:42pm] |
Ahh, Europe in a week. So excited. And nervous. I gotta pack and get money in order. I'm finally feeling a bit better about the money situation, I sorted out everything today and the money that my parents are giving me is going to cover all of my tickets, hotels, etc, so I have enough left over for food and hopefully spending money. I do hope that I'll be able to get myself something in Paris from Vuitton though!
Not much else is going on. Been spending a lot of time with my mom and my chinchillas - we have a play routine every night. My cat has been sleeping with me at night, and I've been hanging out with Lisa, Kevin, and his sister Jackie. Dave is coming over soon and then we're going to a bbq at Amy's. It'll be fun, and I have brownies for dessert!
Kinda sad/annoyed by a friend. I thought we were close, but I guess I was wrong? No word from them for about three weeks - I was always there at the drop of a hat and now - nothing. I guess that's what I get for caring too much.
Tomorrow is Wednesday which equals haircut and perhaps dinner with Jenn, but I'm not too sure. Thursday I don't have anything scheduled, Friday mom wants to go to the outlets, Saturday is nothing and Sunday I gotta say goodbye to everyone. I can't wait to see L in Vegas even though its going to be hot as fuck.
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[19 Jun 2007|10:25pm] |
i'm officially a college graduate, and it doesn't feel that different at all.
i miss my dorm room. and my roommate. and my friends. and late night food runs. i do love having my babies near me though.
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[14 Jun 2007|09:05pm] |
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*begin emotional oh my god i'm graduating freak out now*
it didn't hit me until tonight that this.is.it. Tomorrow = move out. Followed by a manicure and pedicure 'cause I'm rad like that. Then Lisa and Kevin are coming up tomorrow night... and it begins. I still have some packing to do, and I just need a cry.
Gah. Graduating sucks?
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[07 Jun 2007|12:30am] |
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Oh my god, it's June. June 6th. 10 days until my college career is over. I'm just still.. in awe that five years has passed so quickly. And I can now say that I'm going to Europe next month. NEXT FREAKIN MONTH. I'm all a tangle and bumble of emotions/feelings. I worked Pride for 5 hrs on Saturday and when the march finally got to us I was in tears. I don't know if it even had anything to do with my own sexuality, but I was just crying and I have no idea why. I have to pick up my grad robe and cap next week. I have two finals due in a week. I have to start packing. I'm just.. I can't believe its here.
Tomorrow is my last day of classes. ever.
Am I ready for this? I hope so.
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